I Can't Sleep
by TheManFromMars
Summary: Nothing's been the same since New York... Actually, nothing's been the same ever since Afghanistan. Whether he would like to admit it or not, Tony's many encounters with death had left a mark on him, a mark that keeps growing. An unpleasant trip through painful memories and destructive self-hatred.


**I Can't Sleep**

"I don't want to see this in your MySpace page… Please, no gang signs… No, throw them up, I'm kidding. Yeah, peace, I love peace. Would be out of job without peace"

_No._

The humvee in front of him explodes _(Peace)_, the soldiers escorting him get out and try to retaliate _(I love peace)_. Dead. They are all dead.

_Not again._

_Your fault._

He runs _(Like the coward you are)_ trying to escape the death and destruction behind him, when a missile stops him in his tracks. A Stark Industries missile.

_Serves you right._

The shrapnel hits him right in the chest, making him fly. He can barely feel the pain, and only notices the injuries when his blood starts to stain his shirt.

_You should be dead._

_Why you're not dead?_

_YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!_

Yinsen.

That was the name of the man who saved his life, who gave him new purpose _(who died in your place)_. He showed him the best he had on him _(HA! Good one!)_. He had a family.

_No, he didn't._

_They were dead…_

_Your fault._

He made him think back to everything that really matters to him, that he may never see again, back at his home, Pepper _(you don't deserve her)_, his friends…

_Friends? HA!_

_The only "friends" you have, you either had to build them, or pay them!_

_You don't have any friends._

_That's not true._

_Yes, it is._

_There's Rhodey._

Rhodey. His best friend. Who came to his rescue when he escaped his captors. Who's always there when he needed him.

_Wow! Congratulations, Stark! You have ONE friend!_

_He despises you…_

_He doesn't!_

_He should._

_You treat him like shit._

All the way back home, he thinks about how everything will change from now on _(new flies, same crap)_, he had his eyes opened _(too bad you're still blind)_ and he decided to leaves his selfish ways behind and dedicate his life for the good of others _(BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! YOU'RE SO FULL OF BULLSHIT!)_.

He remembers the shock, the anger he felt when he was betrayed by Stane, his mentor, his father figure, who was making deals behind his back, and, as he later found out, ordered his assassination.

_You're no better than him._

But conspiring against his life wasn't the worst _(because your life is worth less than nothing)_. The worst was when he threatened Pepper. It took all his strength to crawl to his workshop _(You should be dead), _to grab the old reactor that she left there for him, even though he asked her to destroy it _(You don't deserve her),_ and to replace it _(You should be dead)_.

He needed to be strong, to be fast. He needed to protect Pepper.

_You want to protect her? That's easy: DIE!_

_If I were dead, I wouldn't have been able to save her!_

_If you were dead, she wouldn't need to be saved!_

He remembers the press conference, where his life truly changed _(You're still the same) _when he revealed to the world that, yes, he was the Iron Man.

_Because they weren't giving you enough attention…_

_If I wanted to protect them, if I wanted to atone for myself, I couldn't start by lying to them!_

_Sure, sure… The lying comes after, right? And it's not like you really care that you painted a huge target on the heads of everyone you claim to care about as long as your name is plastered at the front page of every newspaper in the world…_

_Tell me, do all these faceless strangers that adore your image compensate for the fact that nobody loves you?_

The Stark Expo 2010.

His father's dream _(He never loved you)_. A year-long expo _(But can you blame him?)_ dedicated to science & technology _(Why would he love you?) _ from every corner of the world _(Why would __**anyone**__ love you?)_ for the benefit of mankind.

_And isn't it amazing how you still managed to make it all about yourself?_

_You make me sick!_

He was sick.

The Palladium on his chest reactor was slowly, but surely, poisoning him. The device that was keeping him alive was also killing him.

_But that was okay, right? Now you got an excuse to act like a jackass! Like you needed a reason…_

He never told anyone _(God forbid someone finds out that the great and powerful Tony Stark is not immortal)_, even though Jarvis advised him to tell Pepper, he ignored it.

_Why would you take anyone's advice? You are clearly smarter than anyone who has ever lived in the planet, right?_

_You need no one, right?_

_Actually, no one needs __**you**__!_

But everything really went to hell in Monaco.

Vanko.

A maniac, a murderer, _(Basically, you without the money)_ a genius hell-bent in destroying him, destroying his legacy, to prove to the world that Tony Stark wasn't untouchable.

Vanko had his tech. The whole world turned against him.

He was dying, he was alone, and under pressure. That's why he committed one of his worst mistakes: donning the Iron Man suit while drunk at his birthday party _(Excuses, excuses, excuses! You are an irresponsible, selfish asshole! That's all the reasoning you need!)_

Rhodey confronted him. He confronted him back. In the end, his house was destroyed and his best friend flew away with one of his armors.

_Everyone is abandoning you, Stark._

_You have no friends._

_It was my fault…_

_Stark, please, __**everything **__is your fault._

Nick Fury.

The Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. came to his aid. He rejected it. Fury wouldn't have it. He would help him whether he liked it or not.

He was put under home arrest _(like the little bratty child you are)_ until he could come up with a solution for his problems. They gave him some of his father's stuff, saying that among them was something that could help him. He found an old recording of his father. In it, his father hinted at hidden clues in the old Expo model, but, more importantly, in it, his father told him he was his biggest creation.

_He couldn't say that to your face, no, he had to record it. __**Because he would rather talk to a camera than talk to you! **__He __**never **__loved you! He only said that you were his biggest creation to free his conscience from the idea that he was a lousy father._

_A lousy father to a lousy son._

_You ain't half the man your father was._

_And he wasn't anything special to begin with._

A new element.

With a help from the past, he was able to create a new element to replace the palladium on his heart. He was cured. He was saved. _**(You should be dead!)**_

Vanko was still alive. He put innocents in danger, he put Pepper in danger, he put Rhodey against him _(I'm confused. Are you talking about Vanko or about yourself?)_

It was hard, but in the end, he emerged victorious. Vanko was defeated, Pepper was saved, Rhodey was saved, his company was saved, and so was his reputation. _(You don't deserve any of this)_ He even received a medal _**(You don't deserve any of this!)**_

The Stark Tower.

A monument to _(your penis)_ free energy. The brainchild of Pepper _(And, still, is your name on the building, not hers. You care SO much about her, don't you?) _Their first major realization as an official couple _(You don't deserve her)._

Coulson, the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent that was assigned as his contact with the agency, informs him of an unprecedented threat. He dismisses him at first (_your selfish jerk), _but the cube catch his attention. Stark spends the entire evening studying the file on the Tesseract, and the other subjects of the Avengers Initiative.

The Avengers Initiative.

An idea to bring together extraordinary people as a contingency plan in case of the arrival of threats that regular defense organizations can't handle. The first time Tony Stark heard about it was when he met Nick Fury for the first time. He refused the offer once, he refused the offer twice, and proceeded to refuse every time Fury tried to contact him (_because Tony Stark is just too cool to play with the other kids_). And the one time he decided to have a meeting to discuss the offer, turns out S.H.I.E.L.D. didn't want him anymore (_HA! Classic_).

They needed him now.

Thor & Loki

The two princes of Asgard. Loki was the reason behind all this. A little prima donna with daddy issues, believes to be more powerful than he really is, and does everything for attention (_remind you of someone?)_. Thor, his brother, the 'God of Thunder', was something that his scientific mind had problems assimilating. Not that anyone could tell you that, his face showing no surprise or confusion _(Not that you would_ _give any signs of being overwhelmed by someone who was clearly more powerful than you. Admitting that would admit that you're not invincible. You just can't do that, can you?)_

Banner.

Bruce Banner was someone he could relate to, not only on an intellectual level (_he's smarter than you)_, but on a personal level. He understands what Banner goes through, he feels their pain are alike _(Oh, sure… You living in a cliffside mansion while he slept on the streets. Totally alike. Oh, Stark, you're SO miserable)_. They both had parts of their personalities they couldn't control, inner demons that, if freed, would hurt those around them _(He turns into an incredibly powerful, out-of-control gamma monster. What's your excuse?)_. He tries to befriend him, to tell him it's okay to embrace the 'other guy'.

_Life advice from you? Ha! He might as well just kill himself._

_Again._

Rogers.

Steve Rogers. The living legend. The man his father wouldn't shut up about. His first impression of Steve wasn't very favorable _(Bullshit! You already hated him before you met him! Your father wished to have someone like Steve as a son and you know it! That's why you're bitter, because 'big brother' has returned back home to steal the spotlight of the unfavorite son)_. The conflict between them kept escalating. Rogers asks him what would he be without the armor.

Genius _(moron)_, billionaire _(you are a little shit born in a golden cradle with a silver spoon in mouth. You did nothing to deserve that money. **Nothing**)_, playboy_ (oh, decadence)_, philanthropist _(bullshit)_, he answered.

_He was better than you could ever hope to be_

_Everyone in that room was better than you…_

_Stop it! STOP IT! Stop trying to make me look like the worst person that ever lived! S.H.I.E.L.D. wasn't better than me! They were assassins, murderers, liars…_

_And you aren't?_

_No! Romanoff has killed **hundreds** of innocents!_

**_And you didn't? _**_Didn't you kill **millions? **Or it doesn't count if you didn't pull the trigger? Do you feel better for not pulling the trigger? Does it make you fell less responsible? Please, tell me how much of a saint you are…_

_Shut up! Just… shut up…_

The Helicarrier was attacked. He and Steve needed to put their differences aside to work together and prevent it from crashing down. They won. They lost. Loki was gone. Thor was gone. Banner was gone. Coulson was gone. Forever.

_No._

___Phil…_

**_His name is agent…_**

_Not again._

_Yinsen…_

_Your fault._

Assembled.

Despite all the obstacles, despite all the conflict _(caused by you)_, the team was able to regroup and fight back against Loki's army. They were winning. They were losing. The hordes of aliens were slowly but surely overwhelming them. They needed to close the portal. They also needed to get rid of that incoming nuclear missile. He decided to kill two birds with one stone.

_There you go, Stark. Be the hero. Save the world, clean your mess, and show everyone who has the biggest dick._

___You act like this is my fault._

___Whose building is that beam coming out from?_

He grabs the missile and steers it toward the portal, toward the mothership. A one way trip.

The sheer immensity of the alien fleet takes his breath away. Panic, fear, amazement, and many other feelings filling his brain at incredible speed. He closes his eyes.

Somehow he always thought he would die alone.

_Kill the aliens and yourself? Are those the two birds you were talking about?_

The next thing he remembers, he was alive _(You should be dead. But then again, you don't deserve the title of martyr, so it's quite alright that you live. This time at least)_, lying down on the asphalt surrounded by his teammates. He asks what happened. They won.

It all ended well.

But all was **not **well when it ended well and he knew it. Tony Stark was suddenly aware that he wasn't the most powerful being in the universe. There were forces, dangerous forces, out there that can completely overwhelm him. He almost died in space. _(You should be dead)_ He wasn't ready. What if he died? What if something like this happens again? His friends won't always be there to help him _(You don't have any friends)_. He needs to be ready. He needs to make sure he can protect himself, protect Pepper, and he won't rest, he won't sleep until he finds a solution. Because he's mortal, but he won't be defenseless. He can't be, not if he wants to protect the one thing he can't live without.

_Beautiful, just beautiful, Stark. You got yet another epiphany! How long it will be until you forget this one too, like all your other "valuable" life lessons? Maybe we can break a new record…_

**ENOUGH!**

"Enough, I said" he screams towards the darkness "I've had it with you! I've had it with your insults! Show yourself!"

Out of the darkness, a faint light appears. Slowly, it becomes brighter as it becomes closer. The blue glow blinds him for a second before he can meet the menacing gaze of his own suit.

"W-who are you?"

"_I'm you" _the armor answers _"The best part of you"_

"No!" Tony shouts "I'm more than just a suit of metal! I may have said otherwise before, but Iron Man and I are **not** one and the same. I can help people without the suit. I **did **help people without the suit. I help—"

"_They only accepted you on the team because they needed your suit. If Rhodey was there, they would've kicked you out. The suit is the only part of you that is worthwhile. Don't you remember? Iron Man: Yes. Tony Stark: __**Not Recommended."**_

"That's not the point!" Tony protested "I was going through a tough phase…"

"_Is that how you call your life? A 'tough phase'? Stop pretending that that was just a bizarre event! All that shit you pulled was trademarked Tony Stark"_

"I've changed!"

"_No, you didn't, Stark. That's your problem! You keep trying to lie to yourself, to __**me,**__ that you are repenting, becoming a better man, but you can't fool yourself, Stark. You can't fool me. I'm here to put you where you belong, to remind you of how much of a hypocritical, worthless piece of shit you really are!"_

Having enough, Tony strikes against the suit, delivering a punch right into its face. A noisy, metallic 'THUD' echoes as Stark falls on the ground, holding his hand, writhing in pain.

"_Careful, Tony" _the suit mockingly remarks "_You may hurt yourself trying to hurt yourself"_

"I'm gonna destroy you!"

"_Oh, no, you won't! You need me! How you expect to protect Pepper without me? As a frail, pathetic little 'genius'? You need me. But here's the catch: __**I don't need you!**__"_

The suit quickly and suddenly kneels, putting itself over Tony, menacingly "W-what are you saying? Of course, you need me!"

"_No, Stark, I don't. You created me, the only marginally good thing you did, but after that, I never needed you again. All the (very few) good things about you are in me. You are dispensable, expendable, obsolete. Rhodey can use me. Pepper can use me. Hell, even Jarvis can use me. And tell you what: they all gonna use me much better than you ever did. We don't need the man, we only need the **IRON**"_

"Bullshit! You're full of—" Tony says, before the strong hands of the armor grab his neck, chocking him. _"Maybe, Stark. Maybe I am. Since I am you, and you are always full of it, so, yeah, maybe I am. But the difference is I admit it! I can see all the wrong we do, all the bad we did. And I ain't forgiving you. I will never forgive you. You are __**rotten**__, Tony Stark. So, do me a favor, do yourself a favor, do Pepper a favor, do the __**world**__ a favor, and die!"_

Tony tries hopelessly to escape the death grip of the armor, his head running out of oxygen.

"_Die!"_

Tony's body starts to numb, his life flashing before his eyes for the second time that day.

"DIE!"

His bloodshot eyes give one last look at the armor, the thing that saved his life and meant so much to him, before they shut, and his body convulses…

**DIE!**

He wakes up screaming, startling the woman besides him.

"Tony! What happened?" asks Pepper

Still shaking, he turns towards her and answers "Nothing, nothing. I just had a dream where Rhodey was wearing your lingerie" He chuckles, trying to be reassuring.

But she isn't convinced "Tony, I know you… what's wrong?"

"Seriously, Pep, it's nothing. Sorry, I woke you up. Just… just go back to sleep, I'm okay"

Still not convinced, she looks like she's about to insist, but she just sighs, and, with a sad expression on her face, says "ok, Tony, if you say so…"

She turns her back to him and goes back to sleep. He just stares, regretful, pondering if he should call her back, try to explain. Ultimately, he gives up and lay down. He closes his eyes and, without even falling asleep, he hears the voice again…

"_You're disgusting! You haven't learned anything from the Palladium incident, have you? Why you keep lying to her? Why you keep lying to everyone who, for some odd reason, cares about you? How can you live with yourself? How can you even sleep at night?"_

"I can't"

_I can't sleep…_

_When I do, I have nightmares._


End file.
